Making Amends to Myself

This is the letter I wrote to myself as part of my Step 9 Amends…

Dear Cassandra,

I am so very proud of you.  You have been brave and vulnerable and strong and weak, all at appropriate times, and this whole process has been beautiful to watch. Thank you. With all of my heart, thank you – for saying “yes,” for taking the journey, for both surrendering and fighting when necessary, and for just being you.

I want to make amends to you officially and truly for the way I treated you in the past.  In my pain and ignorance and all my broken pieces, I allowed you to rely on others for your love and worth and value and voice. I didn’t tell you that all of that was already yours (even back then) and my silence caused you a great deal of pain and suffering. I am truly sorry. If I would have known better, I would have done better for you.  I would have told you from Day 1 that you are loved and worthy and valuable and unique and beautiful and cherished and adored and perfect (and have been) in every stage of life – not because of anything you specifically did or accomplished but inherently because it is your birthright as a child of a Higher Power who loves you. You were literally born with all of those qualities already a part of you.  Isn’t that beautiful?  Isn’t that a blessing? I just wish I would have known to tell you beforehand. You are all of that and more, Cassandra. And I am so proud of you for embodying it all with such grace and truth and heart. Now, you can move forward in this life knowing without a doubt who and what you are.  And you will change the world, from within, because of it.

Because you lacked all of that vital information for such a long time, there were consequences throughout the years.  It allowed others to take advantage of you emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially.  It made you feel unable or unworthy to speak up for yourself, make your voice heard, disagree, hold your ground, or have people dislike you for your truth.  It made it hard to make your own choices without worrying about other people’s business and without taking on other people’s responsibilities. I know how disastrous all of that was for you – how long it all lasted.  Years after the initial development of all of this confusion on who and what you truly were, this lack of information made you take responsibility for your husband’s mood and happiness and anger and depression and to take responsibility for the wellbeing of your entire family (and sometimes it seemed like the whole world) singlehandedly.  It easily allowed you to isolate and push away opportunities for friendship, community, honesty, family growth, and getting better because you felt less than and undeserving. It left you feeling heart-achingly depressed, hopeless, and lonely. I remember the ache you felt every second of every day and I am sorry.  I am sorry you ever felt like that and I regret very much that it went on for so long. Please forgive me.

I have also been super critical of you – your mind, your body, your feelings, your beliefs, your tears, your fears, your anger, your parenting, just about everything about you.  I am sorry for all of that judgement and cold-heartedness – please forgive me.  I let you be triggered, angry, and resentful for years without working through any of it – I just didn’t know how. I persuaded you to numb out with food (sugar in particular), all forms of entertainment, sex, codependent and crazy relationships, busyness, etc. which turned areas of life that are supposed to be nourishing into unhealthy arenas in which to play out your dysfunctions. I let you walk around for years without any boundaries or discipline or guidance and I am very sorry about it all.

I gave your power away to the men in your life – to your Dad, to your boyfriends, to your husband, to anyone really who I thought would fill the role that you were missing; that constant male presence to affirm you and love you.  Anyone who would fill that deep void in your broken heart.

Out of fear and shame and lack of belief in my own ability to help others, I made you small and quiet and timid and concerned about what others would think or say.  It was wrong.  And the whole world suffered because I held tightly and selfishly to my gifts and my story and I kept myself from being vulnerable because I thought it made me weak.  In reality, it just kept you sick.  I see that now.

Every time I let my anger become unhealthy and hurtful towards you and others, instead of allowing it to teach me, guide me, and protect me, I was dishonoring you.

Every time I let you believe that you were weak and unworthy, I was dishonoring you.

Every time I spoke badly about you in my own mind or to others in a “joking” (but not really joking) manner and every time I participated in what can only be referred to as “self-loathing,” I was dishonoring you.

Every time I disconnected your body, mind, and spirit and made them each a separate entity, every time I made one right and the others wrong, I cut you off from yourself, your gifts, your pain, and the beauty of your life, and I was dishonoring you.

Every time I allowed you to use your physical body and sexuality in a negative manner to gain attention, affection, and what I thought was “love” from unworthy and unwell individuals – I was dishonoring you.

Every time I made you believe that your happiness and your available choices were tied up and chained in any way to anyone else’s happiness and anyone else’s choices, I was not only dishonoring you but also completely ignoring your own power and your ability to make a new choice and to create the life you want to live.

And for every single time I blamed you, viciously and hatefully and mercilessly, for your miscarriages and made them about your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual faults – I am so very sorry. Please forgive me. Please know that none of what I thought about those situations and none of what I said to you about them was ever true. You did nothing wrong and I should have loved you bigger and better and more through all of that pain instead of shirking away and attacking you at your lowest point. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for that huge and horrifying and hateful mistake on my part.

I am sorry I did all of those things to you – I knew absolutely no better at the time.  I didn’t know how to take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of – I didn’t know how to love you, hold you, treasure you, and protect you in the ways you deserve to be loved, held, treasured, and protected.

I wish I would have known better – I wish I would’ve known a lot of things at a lot of different times and done better. However, we would not have learned so many things without working through all of it. It all served a purpose.  It all made a point, gave a lesson, and led us to where we are today – and where we are today is good and it’s getting better all the time.

I didn’t believe in you, Cassandra but I was so unbelievably wrong. You amaze me. Your strength amazes me.  Your dedication to your own healing amazes me. Your kind and loving heart amazes me. Everything about you amazes me and I love you. I promise to do my very best to love, honor, and treasure you and to continue to grow and get better for you as well. Bless you, Cassandra, and bless the continued journey.

With all of my Love Forever,

Cassandra Kali

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